Straight to Hell

Research has taken me to some unsual places: a gay cruising park in Jerusalem, an institute for physics research in Berlin, a Cantonese class in Chinatown, a Communist bookstore off Fifth Avenue. But last weekend was a first: a research trip to hell.

First, a little background. I'm starting a new novel that features a number of evangelical Christians as main characters. The past couple of weeks I've done some digging to learn more about evangelical communities and what makes them tick. My great worry with this book is that I'll only portray these people satirically or superficially, because I know so little about them, and I'd really like to get at a deeper, more human rendering.

To that end, I've been doing some reading on the evangelical movement and keeping my eye out for anything related to it in the media. Then last week, an article on "Hell Houses" happened to catch my eye.

Halloween is not a very popular holiday among evangelicals (nor among religious Jews either) because of its pagan origins (though the Christmas tree has pagan origins too) and its association with witches and the like. As an alternative to staged haunted houses for Halloween, churches have begun organizing "hell houses," which feature the potrayal of various sins. On your tour of a hell house, you're likely to encounter a suicide or two (big no-no), a date rape, some drugs, STD's, a gay wedding, and most certainly, a very bloody abortion.

To set up your own hell house, the best way to go about it is to pay $300 for a hell house kit from Pastor Keenan Roberts. His handy manual will give you tips on everything from sound effects, staging, dialogue, to how to simulate an aborted child using meat products. For an extra $45 bucks a pop, you can purchase DVDs of various scenes that particularly interest you.

I was wondering how I would ever get to see one of these houses, when I learned that there was one available right here in this den of sin where I live. A local theater company, Les Freres Corbusier, has decided to stage an authentic haunted house in Dumbo. They've paid their $300, assembled the house according to official kit instructions, and stuck to the original text as provided by the good pastor. There was no choice for me. I had to go to hell.

My tour of hell house began with greetings from a devil dressed in makeup that resembled one of the bad guys from Star Wars. Mr. Devil took us to our first tableau, a rave at which a young woman takes a drug and passes out on the floor, at which point, a man yells, "She's out! Let's rape her!" (Why is it that tasteful art and evangelical Christianity are such unlikely bedfellows?) Other sins included a spectacularly bloody abortion scene, with the red stuff spurting from the womb of a hapless cheerleader. Tools included a rather nasty looking pair of forceps and a vacuum cleaner with a large hose. We also entered a womb where an actor sucking her thumb and cooing, "Gurgle, gurgle" was plucked from the scene by two giant wooden beams covered in aluminum foil. One of my favorite parts was the hallway of sinners, which included a Muslim terrorist, a pothead, and (incongruously) an effete man in a tuxedo warbling show tunes to his heart's content.

In case you were worried, at the end of the tour, we were all saved from Satan by an angel who took us to a white room where Jesus himself offered us salvation. (My friend who came with me was more interested in Jesus's chest hair.) Then we were led to a Christian hoedown, with folk music, powdered donuts, and watery punch.

Perhaps the scariest thing of all about Hell House is that Pastor Roberts claims it has a 33% success rate in converting people to the faith.